Tagline: "Tender Young Flesh Seduced By The Ultimate Evil"
I was at a friend’s house and saw this movie in his collection, I was immediately mesmerized and hypnotized b y the cover. He told me not to bother, that it’s not worth the 30 dollars he paid for it. Regardless of his warnings…I ended up borrowing it…Now I wish I had actually listened to him.
The cover (which looks devilish at the least) is the only thing that is not in the movie. There is no Satan and no baby doll in sight. The cover is just a misleading marketing tactic to get you to watch the movie. The real story is about a family feud and weird rituals. The best thing about this movie is the nudity, there is plenty of it. The score is also very unique and haunting, I actually want to find the soundtrack if its available. But anyway, the movie is excruciating to watch, I think this is a movie for someone who wants to get high and just see random scenes of rituals and nude babes. Sure the nudity is great, but after a while, it gets boring and repetitive.
For an Italian horror film this is really bad. I am actually glad I didn’t pay the 30 dollars for it. I will leave a trailer for the movie, so you can see there is no sign of Satan. I was actually hoping he would pop out, that’s the only reason I saw it until the end. Avoid it by all means.
Tagline: "Sub-Human Monsters Go on A Rampaging Blood-Binge"
“Take me away Steve! Take me away from this place!” These are the last lines spoken by the female protagonist, who by the way has the most masculine voice I have ever heard in a woman. How this movie got made is something I am still pondering on. I can imagine the writers sitting down and thinking about what other creature they can bring to the screen that hasn’t been experimented with before. I guess the only one they could come up was the yeti. Don’t get me wrong, the yeti can be a threatening character, he even looks half decent in this movie, and the issue is not so much the yeti, but the acting and pacing of the film.
The movie is extremely, extremely, extremely boooooooring. I mean I cannot emphasize how slow and uninteresting the movie was. I really wanted to like it, I tend to like crap like this…but for God sake they could have made the movie more interesting. The other issue is the acting. These “actors” have no clue how to express the correct emotions in a film; many are actually trying to hold their laughter due to the implausible script they had to deal with, and of course lousy plot and script.
The plot, which is laughable, is about a group of people in search of the missing brother of the leading protagonist (the female with the man voice) after they find their brother, they discover they are on the trail for the yeti (a big giant snow version of big foot) TWIST AND TURNS GO ABOUT IN THIS FILM!! not really, actually its downright silly and ultimately boring. You only see the yeti 3 times at most in the entire picture, and he doesn’t do that much harm. Honestly, I do love these old 50’s sci-fi cheese, but this was was a big sleeper…like a freaking night quill.
Before Romero fans begin to bash and insult me. Let me clear out that this review is for the 30th Anniversary Edition, and not the original timeless classic from George A. Romero. This review will center only on the new version that was released in 1998. I will talk briefly about the plot, but only to point out the differences between the original and this new version.
Why fix something if it’s not broken? (so the saying says) it couldn’t be more evident here.Producers and writers of the original film went back to Pittsburgh (where NOFTLD was originally shot) and decided to shoot new footage, that supposedly wasn’t added at the time due to time restraints and limited budget. Excuse my French, but that is just one pile of horseshit! These Assholes just thought it was a good idea to shoot more footage to gain an extra buck.They did it pretty easily thanks to the fact that NOFTLD has been in public domain for ages; literally anyone can add any footage they like, or release as many versions of it as possible. You would not believe how many versions of this film exist, aside the colorized version, there is also an atrocious 3-D edition (which I will do a review of eventually)
The producers released this new edition to celebrate the release of its original film. What they did was insert 15 min of footage. This footage is entirely new, not shot in 68, and perhaps the worst and most unnecessary footage ever filmed for a film. Such scenes include: a prelude which explains how the first zombie (which attacks Johnny and Barbara) came to life. While it may seem a nice tribute, it looks out of place and overall unneeded. Also, it is very obvious that the actor has aged and gained weight, unless zombies lose a lot of weight, from one scene to the next, taking place the same day, then perhaps it would be acceptalbe, but in this case it isnt.
To make matters worse they add two segments with a priest. The actor who plays the priest looks like he has never stepped into a studio in his life, plus his teeth look like Chiclets.If you don’t want me to spoil you any further than this is my cue for you to stop reading, but if you are interested do keep reading.The priest gets bitten by one of the zombies and miraculously he doesn’t die nor turn to a Zombie. My guess is that they wanted to make the film tie up with the tagline of Dawn of The Dead “When there is no more room in hell, the dead shall walk the earth”. So my theory is this: the priest did not turn because he is protected by God…then again we can do the right thing, ignore this idiotic attempt at reconstructing a movie that didn’t need to be reconstructed. Stick to the original folks. I will leave a video of the priest explaining how he is blessed and protected by God, horrible scene, just horrible!
Tagline: "How Do You Kill What is Already Dead? Any...Way...You..Can!"
Theatrical Trailer
How do you kill something that’s already dead? Any…way...you… can! “My God when I heard that tagline in the trailer I was bursting out in laughter. This poor and sorry excuse for a zombie movie is directed by no other than the notorious Uwe Boll. This mofo is never going to learn, that we, the audience, don’t and we really don’t want to see his atrocious adaptations of video games. For those who don’t know, House of the Dead is based on the video game from Sega of the same name, and Uwe is the director who decided to adapt into a movie.
The plot, which is not worthy of mentioning, is about a group of college students who missed their boat ride to a remote island. In this island there is a big rave party taking place, which apparently is sponsored by Sega…Gee, could it be propaganda for the game it’s based on? Well, the kids miss their chance to go, but one of the friends has plenty of mula (cash) to convince a captain of a small boat to take them to island. The captain warns them that there are strange stories about this island, that it is cursed, and has been given the name of "La Isla De La Morte" (poor Spanish, Meaning: Island of The Dead) regardless, the kid pays the guy a grand to get his friends to the island. In their arrival, they notice that there is no party, and that the people are gone….where could they be? (Sarcasm)
From here the movie goes ape shit (in a bad way) and we have flying kicking zombies attacking the new arrivals. But luckily they have weapons, and by that I mean a full arsenal of Machine guns, rifles, AK-47’s. The most ridiculous thing is that in one scene one of the girls complains that she doesn’t know how to use a gun…next thing you know the bitch is flying in the air, shooting her gun like it’s a freaking John Woo movie…I mean WTF!? Haha it’s hilarious, but in a bad way. The biggest surprise is the end (spoiler alert..like it matters) When we meet the creator of the zombies (who is in fact a zombie himself) can talk and fight with a sword like if it were medieval times We find out that this creator was some sort of criminal back in the 1400’s and decided to find a way to become Immortal…how or why is not important, remember this movie doesn’t deserve complex explanations. If I were to dissect and explain every error in this movie I would never finish.
Uwe Bowle surprisingly recognizes that this movie was shit, and he even released a comedy version of it. I haven’t, nor will I , pay to see this movie ever again. It had humor, but for the wrong reasons. I was laughing primarily at the actors (who couldn’t act for beans) I was laughing at how the zombies began to look more like swamp things that actual zombies. Lastly, I was extremely annoyed by the editing in this flick, why the hell would you insert footage from a video game into a movie? Anyways, please just take my word; this is utter crap that should never been green lit. Anywa, it doesnt matter, the movie has long since been made. oh and Make sure to see the video below, where Uwe admits he makes the same shitty moives
Let me start by saying, I have seen some shitty movies in my time, but this is by far the worst piece of mega crap I have seen. I will admit that i like cheesy/corny flicks to have some laughs. However, this excuse of a movie was excruciating to watch and finish; running at 69 min, it felt like 5 hours of torture and pain.Believe me when i say this is bottom of the barrel of garbage, take my word and don’t attempt to watch this movie. I will only go over this movie once, afterwards, pretend I never spoke of it.
Movie starts with this girl running around some hallways; she is being chased by ghouls and zombies. She gets saved by a guy named Spider; He takes the girl to a hideout, where his family is hiding from ghouls, zombies and shit. I have no fucking clue what happened, whether the world went to shit, or if this girl fell into a demented version of Alice in Wonderland. Which reminds me, every character in this movie is so god damn annoying and retarted…ugh, I am truly having a hard time going over this one, and I will probably get a hernia from going over this fucker. Anyway, as far as I was paying attention, the whole thing is just a bunch of demented mofos torturing and killing people for pleasure. Now, you might ask: Where do the Zombies and ghouls fit in? They don’t, that simple.
This movie was directed by Todd Sheets, who proclaims himself as “The Master of Splatter” well, I wish I could agree, but this guy is just a master of making painful movies to watch. This is the second sheets movie I sit through, the first being Zombie Rampage (another turd) Why would I endure such shit? Like I’ve said before, I’m a masochist when it comes to shitty movies.Anyhow, the budget of this movie, which Sheets “says” was in the thousands, to me it was more like 5 dollars. The freaking film was shot on a VHS tape, at least that’s what it looks like to me. I’m not referring to actual transfer, which also looks horrendous; I mean the actual camera was a VHS camera. It felt as if the whole movie was a twisted project from a couple of teenagers. Talking about twisted, this movie is fucking sick, I mean like fucked up sick. There’s a scene where they stick a piece of large wood up a guys ass and out through his mouth, gushing out blood and gore…however, the gore looks like play dough. To wrap up, please do yourself a favor...avoid this movie. I only saw it because it came in a box set of 50 Horror Movies in 12 DVD's.
Stars: Steven Seagal, Lisa Lovbrand, & David Kennedy
Genre: Action/Thriller
MPAA Rating: R (strong violence, language and some sexuality)
Running Time: 95 Mins
Tagline:”Humanity’s greatest hope... Faces his greatest battle.”
Synopsis:
{According to IMDB}
"Marshall Lawson loses his strike-team in a cold-blooded and seemingly random attack. After this he takes it upon himself to investigate the suspicious circumstances of the brutal killings. Soon he uncovers CTX Majestic, a covert military operation so secret, that now the military wants Marshall eliminated. Resolute in his pursuit, Marshall engages in a merciless battle with a drug dealer operation that appears to be secretly funded by a rogue arm of the military"
Discussion
Once again, good thing I didn’t pay to see this piece of excruciating shit! I am still in awe, of how horrendous this movie was. I still can’t believe this movie actually had a budget of 15 Million!! How or why Seagal signed aboard this mega junk is beyond me. From what I’ve heard, since his feud with Julius R.Nasso, Seagal can’t find a studio that will pay him the 16 Million Dollar salary he was getting when working at Warner Bros. You know what? I don’t blame the unenclosed studios; who would want to hire this fat ass, that can no longer fight nor do any of his stunts. He is constantly requiring for a stunt double, studios having to re-dub his lines- which reminds me, this movie breaks the record of Seagal’s voice being dubbed; about 75% of the entire picture is dubbed by another actor. According to producers of the film, they claim that a large portion of the audio was lost in post production, and Seagal refused to show up for the re-recording sessions; again a lazy fat ass that no studio wants to hire. Yet, luckily for him, Sony pictures hired him for 2 million. No wonder he does 5 or 6 of this shitty movies a year; has no other choice, the only way he can climb back up to the 16 Million figures to maintain his bad eating habit lifestyle.
But aside Seagal’s lifestyle, let’s get to the movie, Seagal plays Commander Marshall Lawson, after his crew gets killed on a wild night of booze and chicks, it is up to Marshall to investigate what happened to his team members-oh by the way, it’s so hilarious how he reacts to when people die, especially those close to him. He barely has any emotion whatsoever. In one scene he pushes a door slamming one of his team members (who was already dead) doesn’t even check the pulse and just leaves the scene; what an unsympathetic bastard! Later we find out that the hooker that killed the 3 teammates was in fact working for some pimp who used to be a scientist; he created a DNA altering drug called CTX. The drug turns people in to vampire like people, being also highly addictive. This scientist/pimp wants to dump the drug into the water system and get everyone hooked on the drug. Why? Fuck I don’t know? This shit was just freaking retarded.
Like I said earlier the whole thing was almost entirely dubbed by an another actor, who sounds nothing like Seagal; to think the fat ass has no respect for a movie he in fact produced, shows how much workmanship he has. The movie also has some of the most ridiculous fight scenes, this one amped it up in the “patty cake” department. There’s one scene of many where Seagal waits for his team to fight this bad ass chick, she is supposed to be so powerful and shit, due to the drug, so, she can single handedly just beat anyone she pleases…except one person…that’s right the egotistical fatty bloke of Seagal. She fights the fatty and all they do is freaking patty cake. Also, there is a double for almost every other scene, more so than the other ones I reviewed before. There is one particular scene where Seagal is talking on the phone, it’s so god damn obvious it’s not him, gee, could it be cuz I am not seeing the back of the double, but in fact his full much thinner face.
I also read somewhere that the original plot was to be about aliens, but last decision was to cut that idea out and reshoot almost the whole thing. Seagal, being the fat fuck he is, decided not to show up and just let the director and producer handle the thing to their best judgment, again, good workmanship Seagal, good job a-hole.So instead of Aliens they changed it to the whole DNA altering/ Vampire Drug. I wonder if the movie be any better without the altering, I’m assuming it was the same shit. Lastly the cover of this movie just cracked me up, it so bluntly obvious that it’s a Photoshop picture of some random guy, and then super imposed a picture of Seagal in to the double, to make him look thin. Even more ludicrous is the matrix-like letters in the background that are not relevant to the plot of the movie. With true honesty, as a diehard fan of Seagal, avoid this shitbag.
Bottom Line:
This movie so shit! That I am not even going to get into the aspects of video and audio, it doesn’t even matter to be honest with you. Pretend I never spoke of it, you will live a much better life not seeing this mega crap, trust me on this one.
Stars: Derran Sarafian, Beatrice Ring & Ottaviano Dell' Acqua
Genre: Horror
Running Time: 96 Mins
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Tagline: None
Synopsis: {According to IMDB}
When a terrorist's body, infected with a stolen chemical, is recovered by the US military, the corpse is cremated, unintentionally releasing the virus/bacteria into the atmosphere over a small island. Soon the infected populace mutates into flesh-hungry zombies, and a trio of soldiers on leave must team up with a group of tourists and board themselves up in an abandoned hotel as they try to fend off the agile and aggressive living dead.
When I began to watch this flick I was expecting garbage...and that’s exactly what i got: Garbage.
This supposed sequel to Zombie 2 has no connection whatsoever to the previous film. Then again the first one had nothing to do with Dawn of The Dead (see review on Zombie 2) this movie is directed by the same dude who did Zombi 2, gee what a surprise.
This time we have military dudes escaping from an infection caused by some stupid ass scientists. These "clever" scientist (yes, I am being sarcastic) are about to cremate a zombie they created. The ashes go into the atmosphere and voila you have a perfect recipe for bringing back the dead.
This movie is actually even worse than the predecessor, utterly boring from start to finish. Yeah, there is gore, actually plenty of it. But the movie is so freaking stupid and badly dubbed that I could barely pay attention. I saw myself multitasking many times through the film. Even for gore hounds don’t get too excited about this one. The gore mainly consists of bad make up, and weird green goo WTF?
I would seriously avoid this one at all costs period.
DVD:
Video:
Presented in widescreen 1:85:1 this DVD is no different to the VHS. The only speacial feature is an intro by two of the stars of the film.
Audio:
2ch Souround Sound
Bottom Line:
I would say avoid it. there really isnt anything of redeming value here. However, if you are still curious to see how horrible it is..I have posted a video below with a much better re-edit of the 96 min film summed up in only 20 min. Enjoy!
For an Italian horror film this is really bad. I am actually glad I didn’t pay the 30 dollars for it. I will leave a trailer for the movie, so you can see there is no sign of Satan. I was actually hoping he would pop out, that’s the only reason I saw it until the end. Avoid it by all means.
