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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

House of The Dead (2003)- Johnatan Cherry (0)

Director: Uwe Bowle

Stars: Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard

Genre: Horror

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 90 Mins

Tagline: "How Do You Kill What is Already Dead? Any...Way...You..Can!"


 


Theatrical Trailer




How do you kill something that’s already dead? Any…way...you… can! “My God when I heard that tagline in the trailer I was bursting out in laughter. This poor and sorry excuse for a zombie movie is directed by no other than the notorious Uwe Boll. This mofo is never going to learn, that we, the audience, don’t and we really don’t want to see his atrocious adaptations of video games. For those who don’t know, House of the Dead is based on the video game from Sega of the same name, and Uwe is the director who decided to adapt into a movie.


The plot, which is not worthy of mentioning, is about a group of college students who missed their boat ride to a remote island. In this island there is a big rave party taking place, which apparently is sponsored by Sega…Gee, could it be propaganda for the game it’s based on? Well, the kids miss their chance to go, but one of the friends has plenty of mula (cash) to convince a captain of a small boat to take them to island. The captain warns them that there are strange stories about this island, that it is cursed, and has been given the name of "La Isla De La Morte" (poor Spanish, Meaning: Island of The Dead) regardless, the kid pays the guy a grand to get his friends to the island. In their arrival, they notice that there is no party, and that the people are gone….where could they be? (Sarcasm)

 
From here the movie goes ape shit (in a bad way) and we have flying kicking zombies attacking the new arrivals. But luckily they have weapons, and by that I mean a full arsenal of Machine guns, rifles, AK-47’s. The most ridiculous thing is that in one scene one of the girls complains that she doesn’t know how to use a gun…next thing you know the bitch is flying in the air, shooting her gun like it’s a freaking John Woo movie…I mean WTF!? Haha it’s hilarious, but in a bad way. The biggest surprise is the end (spoiler alert..like it matters) When we meet the creator of the zombies (who is in fact a zombie himself) can talk and fight with a sword like if it were medieval times We find out that this creator was some sort of criminal back in the 1400’s and decided to find a way to become Immortal…how or why is not important, remember this movie doesn’t deserve complex explanations. If I were to dissect and explain every error in this movie I would never finish.

Uwe Bowle surprisingly recognizes that this movie was shit, and he even released a comedy version of it. I haven’t, nor will I , pay to see this movie ever again. It had humor, but for the wrong reasons. I was laughing primarily at the actors (who couldn’t act for beans) I was laughing at how the zombies began to look more like swamp things that actual zombies. Lastly, I was extremely annoyed by the editing in this flick, why the hell would you insert footage from a video game into a movie? Anyways, please just take my word; this is utter crap that should never been green lit. Anywa, it doesnt matter, the movie has long since been made. oh and Make sure to see the video below, where Uwe admits he makes the same shitty moives

UWE TAlKS from The heart



DMX Trailer



Trailer provided by Video Detective

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