BloodRayne (2006)-Kristana Loken (1 ½ )

Director: Uwe Boll

Stars: Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley and Michelle Rodriguez

Genre:  Action | Adventure | Fantasy

MPAA Rating:  R  (strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity)

Running Time: 95 Mins

Tagline: "Revenge never tasted so sweet."

We all know Uwe Boll is the worst of the worst when it comes to adapting video games into film. However, BloodRayne isn’t as horrible as many claim it to be. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is a crappy movie. In fact I have no idea how Boll convinced the studios to release this theatrically; the production of this movie looks downright low budget. 

BloodRayne, which is based on the popular video game of the same name, tells the story of Rayne: a half human/half vampire who is seeking for Vampire who killed her mother. On her quest for revenge she meets several unimportant characters, who are also coincidentally looking for the same vampire that killed Rayne’s mother.  In all, that is the whole plot summary, nothing much else to add. You really can’t ask more for a movie that is based on a videogame.  Yet, the audience could ask for a better director, that I definitely agree. Uwe Boll has become the official director of all this video games adaptations...and unfortunately every adaptation is worse than the first.

The movie, in its entirety, suffers from inexplicable fight scenes-such as- Rayne and her friends randomly fighting and killing…but the question is who? And why? Who cares? Its violent, gory and entertaining…even if its poorly choreographed. Take also for example Michael Madsen, he wanders through his scenes, uninterested (don’t blame him) just waiting for his paycheck. There are various scenes were Madsen is sword fighting and he has no freaking clue what he is doing. I even think (wouldn’t be surprised) that Madsen, Rodriguez nor Kinsley, got actual training for the fight sequences. The only actress who took her role seriously was Kristana Loken. She actually did a decent job playing the character of Rayne. Her fight scenes with the two swords were pretty decent, that is actually the only reason I give this movie a 1 ½ …otherwise I would give it a lower rating.  

So it did the job of entertaining me for 95 min. I couldn’t ask for more. Yes the movie is idiotic, yes it’s implausible…but people, it’s a god damn Uwe Boll movie, and what were  you expecting, Underworld? I wouldn’t recommend the movie honestly, unless you are looking (like me) for a so bad its good movie; If that is the case then give it a rent or watch it online. I will leave a link to the film’s trailer, an interview with the notorious Uwe Boll, the last fight scene with Rayne, and lastly an interview with the lovely Kristana Loken.  Hope you enjoyed the review :-)

Bangcock Dangerous (2008)-Nicholas Cage (2)

Director: Oxide Pang Chun, Danny Pang

Stars: Nicolas Cage, Charlie Yeung and Shahkrit Yamnarm

Genre:   Action | Crime | Thriller

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 98Mins

Tagline: "The Hitman Has Become The Target"

Nicholas cage needs to stop making action movies. I swear the guy doesn’t have nor will ever have the action hero look. The only reason he is making 7-10 movies a year is due to his issue with bankruptcy, so he has to rely on making crummy movies like this one. Bangkok dangerous, while not bad, is just a very generic action vehicle that goes down the road of predictability, scene by scene. This movie is in fact a remake of an older movie done in Asia. I have not seen the Asian version, so I cannot give an opinion on it.

On the other hand, the American remake, I did see and I have very little of good to say of it. First, let me say that Nicholas Cage has perhaps the worst case of bad hair I have ever seen. He needs to recognize that he is losing hair; no treatment available can fix his bizarre hair. He needs to do the honorable thing and just shave it off, that’s what I did, and that’s what plenty of men who are losing hair eventually do. But until then, Cage’s hair will look like a rat is growing out of it, just like Steven Seagal.  

Meet Joe, a hired assassin, who does what he is told, and never fails at putting the bullet where it needs to be.  But assassin Joe is lonely and tired of the monotonous life of killing people for money. So he decides to take one last job in Bangkok, before leaving it all behind him.  In Bangkok, he takes several assignments, some involving transporting packages. If this is beginning to sound like transporter, it is because it’s very similar. The movie is actually a very formulaic action vehicle coping from every other action movie known. Well, back to the movie, Joe eventually finds out the people that hired him want him dead. So he must take them out before they kill him…wow...very original. In between this we have a turmoil going on with his emotional feelings for a mute girl he met in Bangkok.  

In the end this movie had some, and I stress some, entertainment value. I was falling asleep in plenty of scenes where nothing was really happening. The movie is advertised as an action vehicle, yet it delivers very few action scenes. When you do get to see the action scenes, they are very bland and uninspiring. The ending, which I won’t ruin, was a little strange…I felt like I was watching a different film…At the end we have an unexpected ending for a very mediocre film. It’s as if the movie picked up in the last 15 min...A bit to late honestly.  Aside the movie’s trailer, I will leave a review of the movie I found on YouTube, which I couldn’t agree more with.

House of The Dead (2003)- Johnatan Cherry (0)

Director: Uwe Bowle

Stars: Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard

Genre: Horror

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 90 Mins

Tagline: "How Do You Kill What is Already Dead? Any...Way...You..Can!"

 

Theatrical Trailer

How do you kill something that’s already dead? Any…way...you… can! “My God when I heard that tagline in the trailer I was bursting out in laughter. This poor and sorry excuse for a zombie movie is directed by no other than the notorious Uwe Boll. This mofo is never going to learn, that we, the audience, don’t and we really don’t want to see his atrocious adaptations of video games. For those who don’t know, House of the Dead is based on the video game from Sega of the same name, and Uwe is the director who decided to adapt into a movie.

The plot, which is not worthy of mentioning, is about a group of college students who missed their boat ride to a remote island. In this island there is a big rave party taking place, which apparently is sponsored by Sega…Gee, could it be propaganda for the game it’s based on? Well, the kids miss their chance to go, but one of the friends has plenty of mula (cash) to convince a captain of a small boat to take them to island. The captain warns them that there are strange stories about this island, that it is cursed, and has been given the name of "La Isla De La Morte" (poor Spanish, Meaning: Island of The Dead) regardless, the kid pays the guy a grand to get his friends to the island. In their arrival, they notice that there is no party, and that the people are gone….where could they be? (Sarcasm)

 

From here the movie goes ape shit (in a bad way) and we have flying kicking zombies attacking the new arrivals. But luckily they have weapons, and by that I mean a full arsenal of Machine guns, rifles, AK-47’s. The most ridiculous thing is that in one scene one of the girls complains that she doesn’t know how to use a gun…next thing you know the bitch is flying in the air, shooting her gun like it’s a freaking John Woo movie…I mean WTF!? Haha it’s hilarious, but in a bad way. The biggest surprise is the end (spoiler alert..like it matters) When we meet the creator of the zombies (who is in fact a zombie himself) can talk and fight with a sword like if it were medieval times We find out that this creator was some sort of criminal back in the 1400’s and decided to find a way to become Immortal…how or why is not important, remember this movie doesn’t deserve complex explanations. If I were to dissect and explain every error in this movie I would never finish.

Uwe Bowle surprisingly recognizes that this movie was shit, and he even released a comedy version of it. I haven’t, nor will I , pay to see this movie ever again. It had humor, but for the wrong reasons. I was laughing primarily at the actors (who couldn’t act for beans) I was laughing at how the zombies began to look more like swamp things that actual zombies. Lastly, I was extremely annoyed by the editing in this flick, why the hell would you insert footage from a video game into a movie? Anyways, please just take my word; this is utter crap that should never been green lit. Anywa, it doesnt matter, the movie has long since been made. oh and Make sure to see the video below, where Uwe admits he makes the same shitty moives

UWE TAlKS from The heart

DMX Trailer

Trailer provided by Video Detective

Death Rides A Horse (1967)- Lee Van Cleef (4)

Director: Giulio Petroni

Stars: Lee Van Cleef, John Phillip Law and Mario Brega

Genre:  Action | Western

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 114Mins

Tagline: " When You've Waited Fifteen Years To Find A Man... It's A Shame You Can Only Kill Him Once!"

It’s unfortunate that Lee Van Cleef didn’t become as popular as Clint Eastwood. I was watching a couple of his Spaghetti Westerns, and I must say that he had an underrated talent. Death Rides A Horse may not be the most original Western, In fact it is very straightforward and has plenty clichés. But there is definitely something about these Italian/Spaniard westerns that call my attention, they are wonderfully shot in widescreen, and at times have a decent selection of stars; some may be unknown, but, like Van Cleef, they have hidden and underrated talent.  Take for example Mario Brega; he starred in dozens of these westerns. He is perhaps best remembered for playing the second hand to Angel Eyes in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. He like many others of this genre was actually underrated actors, which had to rely on working in lower budget films.

Death Rides a Horse may be a low budget western, but it is actually a very well made one for the budget they had.   Ennio Morricone actually scored this movie, which is actually one of the best things about these westerns. Morricone always brings a provocative score that uplifts the film to a level of grandeur.  I probably mentioned this before in another review I did, but Tarrantino actually used the score of this movie and of Navajo Joe (another western scored by Morricone) for his Kill Bill films. I will leave a score of Death Rides a Horse and Kill Bill to demonstrate this.

The story, which is very generic, yet provocative, is about a young man who is seeking revenge for the death of his family. He witnesses his parent’s murder at a very young age. While the massacre is taking place, he is observing their features: one has a tattoo on his chest of playing cards, the other has a skull necklace, and the other has scars. The movie also uses a technique of shooting that would actually be implemented in the Kill Bill movies: the zooming in and changing of color palette. I understand Tarrantino is only doing homage, but I prefer always originality over imitation. Then again his style is grindhouse, and thanks to him audiences get to hear about films that have long since been forgotten. Anyways, the rest is very obvious, he goes in search of each man and finds out they have successful lives: (one is a mayor, the other a sheriff) aiding the young man is a strange mysterious man who little is known about. All we know is that he was let out from jail and he is in search of the same men that killed the young kid’s parents. The movie also adds a neat and unexpected twist, which is a nice bonus.  I own this movie in various box sets of westerns. It is actually available free to the public on YouTube. But if you wish to see the movie in its original Widescreen format, I recommend the Wild East Prod DVD; contains the original aspect ratio and has been digitally remastered.

Night Vision (1987)- Stacy Carson (2)

Director: Michael Krueger

Stars: Stacy Carson, Shirley Ross and Tony Carpenter

Genre:  Horror

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Running Time: 107

Mins Tagline: "A Window To The Future and A Gate To Hell"

I love obscure movies. Sometimes, No one known’s of them, so that means you don’t really know if they are going to be good or not. This is the case with Night Vision:  A bizarre and forgotten gem from the 80’s.  I found this movie in a flea market (where else?)  And it called my attention with the cover, that didn’t say much, but did enough to make me pay a buck for it. After viewing the tape, I was left a little surprised at how decent it was. I thought it was going to be just another random, bad, 80’s flick. Even if it was cheesy, which i believe was the intention, it worked on not taking itself too seriously. I would actually like to see this movie be remade by David Lynch; this is his kind of style, at least in theme, not in cinematography.

Night Vision tells the tale of a nerdy 20 something year old, who leaves Kansas and moves to New York, to aspire in becoming a famous writer. He hopes the city will open his mind into writing interesting and provocative ideas, which he indeed will find. After helping a guy from some strange muggers, who later we find out are in fact satanic leaders, he befriends the man he saves. But little does this innocent country boy know that the guy is actually a thief. This 4 feet thief, who is a Joe Pesci wanabe; the guy out of “good faith” gives the kid a VCR (remember those machines?) The VCR actually has a demonic tape inside, that posses people, and makes them foresee future murders.   The young writer eventually gets possessed by the VCR and can’t stop his thoughts on what he saw in the tape.  

I was actually pleased by this little bizarre flick. It wasn’t exactly violent or anything, it actually relied more on plot. Unfortunately and fortunately it has bad acting, which gives you a sensation that it shouldn’t be taken seriously at all.  I recommend this movie to anyone who wants to see something bizarre, cheesy, and entertaining.  Oh and don’t try to find out who the satanic people are, they never explain it, and I didn’t care really, it works without the explanation. If you are looking for this movie, I suggest looking for it on eBay or Amazon.